The Melancholy of The New Kid
by Marioninja1
Summary: A new kid comes to the Brigade. Insanity ensues. Read and Review, please.
1. Chapter 1

Ever had a day where your life turns on its head? Where crazy people (and one sane one, in my case) absolutely change your life?

I guarantee you it had nothing on what happened to me.

I'm Irish-born and Irish-bred, but one day my parents left for another country, a certain one called Japan. Now, I don't complain too much, but when you suddenly leave your home country for another one where you can't speak the language, you can't help but think (or say) "What the hell?"

Now, on my first day of going to the new Japanese school, I was wondering how I could read all of the signs as if they were in plain English.

"Say hello to the New Kid." The teacher said.

I waved.

"Does he know Japanese?" One of the students asked.

"Do you?" I asked.

"He does. And he's a smart aleck." Another student said.

"No I'm not. You're speaking English."

"No we're not. Neither of us have said a word of English." The first student said.

I shrugged. "Whatever. Where do I sit?"

"Beside Kyon, New Kid." The Teacher said.

I sighed. "I got a name."

"Of course you do." The Teacher said, as if I was five. I promised myself that, should he call the Scotland Yard...err, the Japanese equivalent, I'd run out quickly.

"Having a weird day?" Kyon asked.

"Did you just speak Japanese, or are all you guys screwing with me?" I asked.

"We're all speaking Japanese." Kyon said.

"Yeah, I'm having a weird day." I said, putting my head on my desk.

"People call me Kyon." Kyon said. "Who are you?"

"People call me New Kid. I bloody miss Ireland." I said.

"You're from Ireland? So that's that accent." Kyon said.

"Are you an alien? Or, maybe, an Esper?" Some girl with a yellow (gold, maybe?) headband.

"Can espers and aliens speak and read a language they couldn't a day ago?" I asked.

"Don't encourage her. This is-" Kyon began.

"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya! Leader of the S.O.S. Brigade!" Haruhi said.

"You're shouting in the middle of class, Haruhi." I said.

"Oh. Well, do you want to join?"

"Join what?"

"The S.O.S. Brigade! You can't say no, so you might as well just say yes." Haruhi said.

"Kyon, did she just say I have no choice?" I asked.

"Pretty much." Kyon said.

"What if I say no?" I asked.

"I'll drag you kicking and screaming! And Kyon'll help, right Kyon?" Haruhi asked.

"No." Kyon said. "Can you talk about this after class?"

"We need to settle this now! This New Kid is all mysterious and stuff! He's perfect for our club!" Haruhi said.

"We have a mysterious new kid. Remember Itsuki?" Kyon asked.

"He's not so new anymore. And besides, New Kid is Irish! He might be an Esper Leprechaun!" Haruhi said.

"That's a freaking stereotype! Not all Irishmen are leprechauns, walking around and saying 'top o' the morning'!" I said.

"So it's settled! You'll join!" Haruhi shouted.

I blinked in surprise. "I said nothing about joining." I said.

"And I said you had no choice." Haruhi said.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mom, I'm staying after school today." I said.

"What?" Mom asked. "Who is this?"

"Your son-" I began.

"I don't speak Japanese very well. Could you slow down?" Mom asked.

I sighed, and texted her. She texted back "O.K."

"Life is getting very complicated. Very, very fast." I sighed, leaning against the wall beside the S.O.S Brigade's door.

"Oh. Hello. Are you the new kid?" Itsuki asked.

"I'm more of a hostage, actually." I said.

"You have an Irish accent." Itsuki said, subtle as a boot to the face.

"Yeah. I'm from Ireland. Or, the UK, at least." I said. "I lived in Northern Ireland."

"Was it a good place to live?" Itsuki asked.

"Of course. It was...no, it _is_ my home." I said. "Where's Haruhi? She said if I was late it'd be the death sentence."

"Her rules don't apply to her." Kyon said, walking to the door and unlocking it. Inside, there was a girl with purple hair that was very cute. "This is Yuki." Kyon said, nodding towards the cute girl.

"How was she in a locked room?" I asked.

"Maybe she never left." Itsuki said. He still had a smile, just like he had when I first saw him. I scooted to the left, away from him. People who are always happy creep me out.

A girl with red hair and large...err, assets, walked into the room.

"That's Mikuru." Kyon said.

"Nice to meet you." I nodded.

"Are you the New Kid?" Mikuru asked quietly.

"That's what everyone says." I shrugged, taking a seat and taking a deck of cards out. "Anyone want to play Black Jack?"

"We usually play Chinese Checkers, actually." Itsuki said.

"Dude, I can't even speak Japanese. How am I gonna play that?" I asked.

"You're speaking Japanese right now." Mikuru said.

"Oh...Right. Forgot about that bit." I said. "Yesterday I couldn't read or speak Japanese. Now, I can read and speak Japanese like I can English. Which sucks, because my parents can't understand Japanese and therefore can't understand me."

"It's a supernatural case!" Haruhi said, kicking the door open.

"The door was shut?" I asked, though no one heard me.

"I'd hardly call it supernatural. Personally, I think New Kid is joking around." Kyon said.

"I thought you had my back!" I said.

"It's definitely supernatural." Itsuki said.

"For the love of..." I muttered.

"I know, right! How should we begin the investigation?" Haruhi asked.

I began walking around her slowly, hoping to get out of the room. I was convinced these psychos were going to chop me up to bits.

"How about we try to get him to read English?" Kyon asked, obviously the voice of reason.

"Why don't we just chop his throat open?" Haruhi asked. I began walking to the door faster.

"Because murder is illegal." Kyon said.

'Thank you, Kyon.' I thought, nearly out of the door.

"Where are you going, New Kid?" Haruhi asked.

"Uh..." Everyone looked at me and I wasn't able to think. Well, I was, but all I could think was 'Piss' and something else that was much too rude to put on .

"I hope you weren't leaving." Haruhi said.

"No, I bet he was just going to the bathroom. Right, New Kid?" Itsuki asked, looking a bit panicked. I nodded, and Itsuki followed me to the bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Kid is not, and never will be, a self-insert. Brown hair, green eyes, and glasses is a fairly generic trait (No offense if you have those traits) that I always thought of as the traits of an everyman so, to best show Kid was a normal person in odd circumstances, much like Kyon, I gave him these traits. **

** On another note, there are only six chapters after this one. -MN1**

"Why were you trying to run away?" Itsuki asked when I got out of the bathroom.

"Haruhi was going to kill me, man!" I said.

"We need to keep her happy, or the world might end." Itsuki said, no longer the happy guy I was used to (well, more used to.)

"Dude, are you crazy?" I asked.

"Oh, right. I haven't explained everything to you. Let me give you a quick summary of what will happen if Haruhi isn't happy." Itsuki said later.

While Itsuki nearly bored me to death with a not-so-quick 'quick summary' of Haruhi's god-like powers, I'll tell you about what I like: Anime (like Soul Reaper), music, and hats. This is random, but my chapters have to last two pages, so I needed to fill this space somehow.

"So, she's a very temperamental deity? And you're an Esper?" I asked.

"Pretty much." Itsuki shrugged.

"Why didn't you just say that instead of all that 'blue giants' crap?" I asked.

Itsuki was about to say something when Haruhi walked through the hallway, in a bunny suit.

'DAAAAAAAMN!' I thought.

"What are we doing now, Ms. Suzumiya?" Itsuki asked.

'Brown-nose.' I thought.

"Getting more members!" Haruhi said.

"Would you stop shouting? I'm already going deaf from listening to so much music." I said.

"We only have six members!" Haruhi said, shouting over what I said.

I frowned and walked back to the club's room.

"Where are you going?" Haruhi asked.

"Can I use the bathroom excuse again?" I smiled.

Haruhi's face still showed anger.

"To the club room. I can't exactly help you get members. Besides, why don't you just kidnap other members like you did me?" I asked.

"You didn't have to come." Haruhi said.

"Really? I'll just be on my way, then." I said.

"You're here now. You can't leave." Haruhi said.

"You know, you're cold. Like ice." I said. "What am I going to do, oh great lord...err, lordess?"

"Baroness. Or Madam." Itsuki said.

"Just call me Haruhi, underling. Now, I want you to hand out flyers." Haruhi said.

"The school day's over. Nobody but a shy girl, a red head, some smiling creep, a normal kid, an Irish kid, and a girl named Haruhi is still here." I said.

"There's the other clubs." Itsuki said.

I glared at him, then returned to Haruhi. "So, what now?"

"Oh, I don't know." Haruhi said, folding her arms and frowning. I have to admit, she looked adorable like that. "Kyon won't let me cut your throat open to see what's up with your vocal chords, and nobody's at school..."

"How about we just play normal board games or some crap?" I asked.

"I hate normal things." Haruhi said. "I need to be different!"

I took out a marker and drew 'N.K.' on my hand. "There. Different."

"There might be some other kid with writing on his hand." Haruhi said.

"Yeah, but every single person is unique. Every person is different without doing anything. No matter how hard you try, how hard you want to be just like someone else, you'll be different. So, without trying to be different, you are different." I said.

"That's really deep." Itsuki said.

"If that's true, then I'll be the most different person there is!" Haruhi said.

"..." I said, shocked into silence. I just encouraged psycho behavior when I tried to get her to settle down. Ah, well. Might as well join her, right? "You can check out my neck if you want. No cutting me open, though." I said.

"It's a start." Haruhi shrugged.


	4. Chapter 4

I came to club the next day, my throat a bit sore from Haruhi messing with my throat. I have to admit, getting punched by a girl in the throat was a new, not-exactly-fun experience.

"Want some tea?" Mikuru asked in her small voice.

"No." I said, my voice a bit messed up.

"Please? It'll make your throat feel better." Mikuru said, looking all adorable.

"Okay." I relented. I'd never drank tea in my life, and I never wanted to, but saying no to Mikuru was impossible.

"Here you go." Mikuru said, handing me a steaming cup of tea.

"Err...thanks." I said, picking up the cup and drinking. I, of course, burnt my mouth, and Itsuki chuckled.

"Not used to drinking tea?" Itsuki asked.

"I will phight ur phychik ash ah opher tha skool." I said, my burning tongue unable to say what I meant to correctly.

Yuki looked up from her book, directly at me. I have to admit, she had pretty eyes. "I want to see you outside." Yuki said, completely monotone.

"Uh...sure." I said, pushing my chair back and standing up. I followed Yuki, who walked to a hallway only a few feet from the club room.

"Let me see your tongue." Yuki said.

I stuck my tongue out sarcastically. Yuki immediately grabbed it, and her lips moved in fast-forward. My tongue immediately didn't feel burned.

"What was that?" I asked.

"You will need to provide input in this conversation." Yuki said, and did a giant explanation of how she was a alien robot (or something like it,) and that she was studying Haruhi.

"I have the belief you do not understand the people you are around." Yuki said.

"I do. Robot-alien, esper, and a deity-like teenager who has no idea she had powers." I said.

"You did not listen to half the words I said. You found your own feet or my eyes more interesting." Yuki said.

"Nuh-uh."

"You also ogled me."

"Are you joking now?"

"That is beside the point. You do not listen to explanations to what you are around." Yuki said.

"Is it because I'm Irish? I find that offensive." I said, jokingly.

Yuki walked back to the club room.

"Aw, c'mon! I was joking." I said. I took my glasses off and massaged my eyes, then walked into the club room. Haruhi wasn't there yet (oddly enough,) so I put my glasses back on and said "If any of you got any secrets like Yuki or Itsuki have, you better tell me!"

Mikuru, of all people, stood up. "I have a secret."

"Lemme guess: you're a time-traveler." I said sarcastically.

Mikuru looked down guiltily.

"Really? Kyon and I are the only normal humans here?" I asked.

"That's classified." Mikuru said.


	5. Chapter 5

I could totally handle this. I had Doctor Who's sexy cousin, Mikuru, the Terminator's daughter, Yuki, and Alma's son, Itsuki.

**A/N: Woot! References!**

**-MN1**

Haruhi busted into the room with a sailor's outfit.

"The crap?" I asked, lifting my head.

"C'mon, New Kid." Itsuki said. "Haruhi's going to dress Mikuru."

"Wait, what?" I asked, Itsuki grabbing me by my collar and pulling me out of the room. Yuki shut the door, and I turned to Kyon and Itsuki. "You let Haruhi dress Mikuru? Like a human doll?"

"Pretty much." Itsuki said.

I frowned. "Raise your hand if you hate Itsuki."

I raised my hand. Kyon half-raised his.

"Yay for apathy!" I said, mimicking Kyon's voice.

"I don't sound like that." Kyon said.

"I do my best, alright? I have an Irish accent that throws off all of my voices." I said.

"You have more than one?" Kyon asked.

"Yeah. There's Bill. He wants me to kill everyone. O'Connor wants me to flirt with girls. Riley wants me to protect everyone." I said, faking insanity. "Have you been inside the cave, New Kid? _No, it's dark._"

**A/N: Woot! Referencing both Soul Eater: Riley and Red Dead Redemption in one paragraph! **

**-MN1**

"You need help." Itsuki said, still smiling.

I raised an eyebrow. "You're an esper, and you're telling me to get help? You're not supposed to exist! And besides, I'm full of nervous energy."

"Sure." Kyon said.

Haruhi opened the door, knocking me down.

"All done!" She shouted.

"Stop yelling." I moaned from the floor. Haruhi picked me up from the floor by my collar and dragged me into the room, where Mikuru was standing in her sailor's outfit.

"Whaddya think?" Haruhi asked.

"I think Mikuru shouldn't be dressed up like a human doll." I said. "And that I can see up you're skirt, Haruhi."

Haruhi let go of me and I stood, brushing myself off.

"You're a pervert, New Kid." Kyon said.

"He was lying." Yuki said from her corner, not looking up from her book.

"Yep. I'm a liar, not a pervert." I said. Haruhi kicked me in the back.

"Liar! Death penalty!" Haruhi shouted.

"Do you have ADHD, or are you just insane?" I asked, and fished out ten bucks from my wallet. "There. That'll buy you lunch. I think."

"This is Irish money." Haruhi said.

I shrugged. "I'll get it changed to whatever money Japan uses."

"Yen." Kyon said.

"Yeah. That." I said.

"You really don't know much about Japan." Haruhi said.

"Nope. My family moved here all of a sudden, no time to find out anything about Japan." I said. Itsuki, Mikuru, and Kyon all looked at each other, me, and, finally, Haruhi. Yuki kept reading her book, but I think she glanced at me. Maybe.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, what you're saying is that Haruhi dragged me from Ireland because she wanted a new kid with an accent?" I asked.

"Pretty much," Kyon said, scratching the back of his neck.

"Wow. I won the worst lottery ever. Of all time." I sighed, walking to my house. "See ya'." I waved bye.

_Around midnight._

I sat up in bed and looked at the person sitting in the darkness at the other end of my room.

"Shadows don't hide you that well, Yuki." I said, putting my glasses on.

"How did you know I was here?" Yuki asked, standing up.

"Well, other than praying it was actually you and not some doped-up murderer, I saw your eyes in the reflection of the moon. What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I want to talk." Yuki said.

"Alright." I said slowly.

"I am the tone who gave you the ability to speak in Japanese." Yuki said. "However, I also meant for you to be bilingual."

"Meaning you wanted me to be able to speak Japanese and English, but you messed up." I said.

"Yes. I wish to correct my mistake." Yuki said.

"I don't know about Japanese movies, but American movies have villains who say that, then try to kill someone." I said.

Yuki's mouth moved very fast, and she shoved her fingers in my mouth. Suddenly I knew everything I knew in both Japanese and English. The downside was that it felt like a lightning-bolt to the head, and I almost shouted in pain.

After Yuki was kind enough to remove her fingers from my mouth, I said "Why do you keep sticking your fingers in my mouth? I don't know where those have been."

Yuki wiped her fingers off on my bed. "It is meant to be a running gag of sorts."

I stared at her, confused.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." Yuki said, and opened the window.

"Wait, I live on the second-" I began when, suddenly, Yuki jumped out of the window, landing silently on the floor. "The hell have I gotten myself into?" I wondered.


	7. Chapter 7

I walked into the club room, wondering what would happen today when, suddenly, a baseball bat smashed through the wood and nearly took my head off, hitting the wall behind me. I turned and looked at it, noticing that it was now embedded in the wall, with half of it hanging out.

"Haruhi!" I said, walking in. Notice I didn't take the baseball out of the wall. "Careful!"

"It was just an unlucky hit." Haruhi said, emphasizing hit by swinging the baseball at me. I ducked right before it would've hit me.

"Are you _trying_ to kill me?" I asked when, suddenly, Haruhi dropped her baseball bat and grabbed my cheeks, pulling on them.

"Are you an alien?" Haruhi asked, looking at my teeth. "Or a vampire? Your canines are awfully sharp..."

"If I was a vampire, wouldn't I glimmer in the sun, or burn in the sun, or whatever version of bloodsucker floats your boat?" I asked. "And would an alien go to High School?"

Haruhi thought about it, and let go of my cheeks. "I'm watching you, vampalien."

"You're kidding me." I muttered, taking my seat and going on my favorite site, the one you're on right now.

I felt a person reading my shoulder, and I looked up to see Itsuki standing uncomfortably close.

"Itsuki, you're in my bubble." I said.

Itsuki extended his index finger and poked forward. "Pop!" Itsuki said.

"I hate you." I said. "You killed my bubble. I named him Carlos, and he was going to be a lawyer when he grew up. But no, he couldn't escape the wrath of you, Itsuki the ruthless. I hope you're happy."

Itsuki's smile didn't flinch.

"Murderer." I said.

"I see you're still speaking Japanese, and not using honorifics." Itsuki said.

"Honorifics?" I asked.

"You know, like chan and kun?" Itsuki asked.

"Oh. Those." I said. "I thought you guys were just making odd noises, and I didn't even write them down. Were those important?"

Kyon sighed. "They're part of Japanese culture."

"I don't know, like, anything about Japanese culture." I chuckled, scratching the back of my head.

Suddenly, Haruki lifted her foot straight up and brought it down on my head, causing me to fall over.

"You'd better learn, Vampalien!" Haruhi shouted.

"Wouldn't I be able to take over better after I learned that?" I asked, dazed from sudden brain trauma. I was face down on the floor, hoping Haruhi would leave me alone.

No such luck. Luck of the Irish doesn't work, apparently.

Haruhi picked me up, holding me off the ground and slamming me against the wall. Poor Kyon was freaking out, telling her to put me down, while the others just watched. Well, Yuki read her book, and Mikuru served tea, but you get what I mean.

"You'd better not invade!" Haruhi shouted.

"Haruhi! Put Kid down!" Kyon said.

"What if he's a vampire alien?" Haruhi asked.

"If I die here," I muttered. "I am going to be one pissed off angel." Then, I said "If I were a vampalien or whatever, would I allow you to pick me up like a ragdoll? Or would I join your club? Or would I even look human?"

Haruhi thought about it and dropped me. "Sorry, my fellow human." Haruhi smiled.

"I ain't mad at cha." I said. Nobody got the Tupac reference.

I stood and limped over to my computer, but was shocked to find Yuki, Haruhi, and Mikuru all looking at what I had up.

"You're reading fanfiction?" Haruhi asked.

I shrugged. "Why not?"


	8. Chapter 8

I walked into the hallway, wearing an orange t-shirt, jeans, and shoes, and answered the door.

"Haruhi? What are you-!" Suddenly, Haruhi grabbed a fistful of my brown hair and pulled me out of my house screaming. But then, I grabbed her wrist and squeezed, causing her to let go.

"Ow!" Haruhi said. "What'd you do that for?"

"Nobody. Pulls. My. Hair." I growled. "What do you want?"

"We search for weird stuff on Saturdays!" Haruhi said.

"Why?"

"Well, it's not going to find us!"

"I sincerely doubt that."

Haruhi gave me an odd look. "You're weird."

"Yeah, I'm the weird one." I said.

"Why are you so sarcastic all of a sudden?" Haruhi asked.

I pushed my glasses up with my middle finger, but Haruhi didn't get that pushing my glasses up with my middle finger was my way of flipping people off.

"Because you dragged me two blocks away by my hair." I said.

"It's not like I ripped any out."

"Which surprises me."

"Why? Did you want-"

"Don't go there."

"So touchy about your hair." Haruhi said.

"I'm a bit touchy because I can't go back home and lock the door to my empty house!"

"Why can't you?"

"You dragged me to a subway train, then handcuffed me to the seat." I said, pointing at the handcuff.

"That was because you kept struggling!" Haruhi said.

My eye twitched, but I calmed myself down. "I wonder why nobody didn't help us. And I wonder if this trip can get any worse."

"Oh. Hello Kid-kun and Haruhi-chan." Itsuki said, sitting next to me.

I began struggling against the handcuffs noticeably harder.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: The final chapter of the series that, though sounding good in my head, wasn't so good when it was made. It's just how the cookie crumbled, I guess. -MN1**

"Hey guys." I sighed.

"Why are there sores around your wrists?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi glared at me, standing on her toes to reach my height.

"No reason. On another note, dibs on not being with Haruhi." I said.

"We actually choose partners by toothpicks." Haruhi said.

"Where's the toothpicks?" I asked.

Kyon took them out. "Huh. I didn't bring enough."

"Death penalty!" Haruhi shouted.

"Does she follow through with that?" I asked.

"Do you think she does?" Itsuki asked.

"I don't know. I would ask those with the death penalty, but they'd be dead. And dead men tell no tales." I said.

"I would like to go with Kid." Yuki said.

"Do any of you know my name?" I asked.

"Duh! Your name is Kid." Haruhi said.

"It is what Haruhi says it is." Itsuki said.

"You're creepy, step back, stop brown-nosing, and stop smiling!" I said.

"I just follow everyone else." Kyon said.

"I do what the others do." Mikuru said.

I sighed. "Right. I'll go with Yuki and you guys can do...whatever. Good luck."

"You too, Kid!" Haruhi said. I grimaced, following Haruhi.

After we got a distance away from Haruhi, Yuki put her hands on my wrists.

I blushed, and thought 'I wonder if Chobits is anything to go by robot romance.'

"Your wounds have healed." Yuki said.

I looked at my wrists, and said "Oh."

"Did you go along with what Haruhi told you to do?"

"...Are you sure that's the best phrase? I mean, I could...whatever. I fight against it about as much as Kyon does, I guess."

"Kyon is special. He is the only one brought from the old galaxy."

"Good for him. I supposed everyone else died?"

"Correct."

"Does she have, like, an annual 'destroy the galaxy' holiday?" I asked. "If so, I'd prefer to get on her good side before she celebrates."

"You are already on her good side. Or, at least, more than others. Careful not to fall off." Yuki said.


End file.
